The Council of Aurora Borrealis

I am not proud of this, but sometimes it is hard for me to see my worth. I am not familiar with it. One time, a therapist asked me to freedraw what I thought of myself, and I came up with a question mark. Confidence doesn’t stay long, tearing from me at the slightest hesitation, and sometimes, when I have people translate it, they leave me less than.

So, when I heard that the Northern Lights were going to be visible to us, I succumbed to searching for them in the night sky. My elbows pinching my ribs as I haunted the an October night.

The stars glared at me as I searched, condemning me for being another human who “lost their way.” But I didn’t care; numb to their ideas, they didn’t know purgatory anymore.

I shifted on my toes, thankful that no one else would see this display. My teeth clattering out of sync, my fingers fidgeting in the wrinkles of my shirt. I am sure Ursa Major turned her cub away. I am sure Orion was pointing his arrow to end this suffering.

“Please. I need this,” I whispered.

I was splitting myself in half, salvaging any part of me I could peel from my roots to move onto the next phase in life. But there was a knot, and the pang of change hurt.

What if I am wrong?

A pink flame burned across the sky.

The numbness evaporated. My hands peeled from my pits, pressing my palms together in prayer.

Green lashed, a veil sprawling across the sky of which oranges and pinks reached down to me, their beams separated as if fingers were reaching to hold.

Why do you need me so, child?

The heels of my hands melded together. My breath misted the steeple of my prayer. I could feel the light wash the flush from my cheeks. Her magnetism brushed my chin, ushering me to raise my head. Green eyes glinted open and shut at me; just below, a shooting star cut out a grin.

“I am scared of change.”

Sweet girl, if I were afraid of change, would you be able to see me tonight?

Greens burned hot like copper comets, oranges bolted, unburdened by gravity, lapping over the atmosphere over and over again.

“But what if I change for the worst?”

You will learn from mistakes and change for the better. You will never be the worst, only wiser.

I rubbed my sweaty hands down my pants to dry, looking away from the night sky. I muttered, “What if I am wrong?”

A flash took all colors from the sky. I blink my eyes. The black of night pooled like ink, punctuated by the stars. The Aurora Borealis flickered again, fainter now.

You aren’t allowing yourself to be happy. You only think of wrong and right; you being happy isn’t wrong. It is yours to have.

“But what if-,”

Life isn’t easy. You shouldn’t make it easier for others, because then you make it harder for yourself. Do you know who I am, child?

“Aurora Borealis, maiden of the dark,” I recited.

Aurora Borealis, the light after the dark. I am change, illumination, clarity. I am who I am because I have learned how to find myself even when the nights are dark or the mind is dreary.

A pale yellow ribbon fell across my shoulders, and I felt the weight in my chest give. Hot tears peeled down my face. Green beads rained down the celestial screen.

Trust that you know yourself, dear heart.

I exhale through the cleanser, dabbing the concoction of serums from my face, my fingertips orbiting my pores as I worry over my first day of work. The soap burns as it seeps into the exfoliated cells. I sigh, relaxing my shoulders, look up at my reflection, and see Aurora in the pink of my flushed cheeks, the dark under my eyes, the glow in my skin.

“It’s time to try.”

*

This essay is based off of my recent experience in shifting careers. I had been in a customer service position for six years and was starting to feel the need for change. But I was horrified. What if I wasn’t good at something new?

The night I had an interview for a new job, the Northern Lights were stretching down from their pole to the lower states. I hurriedly went outside and waited to catch it. I have always wanted to see them, and I thought the timing was a sign I couldn’t pass up.

I have now successfully finished my first day at my new job and even though it was hard to leave my previous one, I am excited to apply past lessons to something new.

I hope you enjoy this essay and maybe get inspired yourself!

(Therapy section is exaggerated).